Half & Half or Double Half: Race Report

I'm sorry to write that my trail shoes had been sitting, caked with mud and motionless near my backdoor ever since the Warrior Princess Angel Run in August.  It felt good to lace them back up and hit the trails last Sunday.  I'd been planning to the Half & Half since late summer, figuring I'd just stay trained up after Rt 66. However, my mind started up  last week throwing all sorts of worries and doubts in my way including:

• You haven't even trained on trails in the past 4 months...
• You might fall or get really hurt...after all, you know people that have broken bones running on Turkey....
• The trails are going to be a muddy, sloppy mess and you will regret running...
• You don't have time for this!  You need to finish getting ready for the holidays...

I tried not to tangle with these intrusive worries-just noticed them and reminded myself that when Sunday morning came and I was Willing to run, I would.  Also, I really can't ever think of a time I've regretted a run. 

Walter dropped me off, it was chilly but there was a festive and energetic vibe.  I'm not sure how many folks were there but I heard they had quite a few registrations at the last minute since the Dallas Marathon was canceled.  Runners were chatty and excited. 

The trails were solid, frozen and not as slippery as I would have thought.  I got back in the groove right away. 

View of Tulsa and the Water Treatment Plant

Colorful runners thread through the trails marked with pink ribbons

Some of the things I thought about as I ran included:

• Writing this blog and some other writing goals
• My friends and family- hoping I get to spend some time with them this season
• Felt grateful for my attentive and loving husband
• Future running/fitness goals

At the half-way mark I was reminded of another reason I love trail running.  Trail runners eat!  Awesome breakfast tacos, fries and hash browns were warm off the grill.  Unfortunately there was only one porta-potty so I had to wait in line.  It was at this point that I let go of any time goals that I might have been softly holding onto.  Oh well.  I would just enjoy a long day in the woods. 

Fries and hashbrowns

Breakfast Tacos- yummmm

Kate and Ed - We had a good chat about the runner / cyclist rivalry.

On the way back in, it started warming up.  Trails got muddy.  I got tired.  At one point the trail runs along I-75, my mind suggested that I just crawl down the embankment to the road and have Walter pick me up.  But then I considered that I was wearing a timing chip and it would come out DNF.  I've never had a DNF and I didn't like this idea.  So I kept running.  And walking when I felt like it.  The aid stations were great as were all the volunteers.  Seeing TZ along the way was great too- he is always encouraging.

I called Walter to let him know it was much slower going than I expected, but he was already waiting for me at the finish.  He got some great shots as I brought it home.

Lipbuster

Someone is getting some flowers!

I think they spotted their mom

Winter berries at the finish

I did it!  Next year, the road half to 'complete' my medal.  

Willing Wednesday: Barriers

My primary reason for not being willing this week is not feeling good and pain.  Afterall, I did have three impacted wisdom teeth ripped out of my head 10 days ago.  And sadly, at age 37 it is a lot tougher to bounce back.  Why, oh why, didn't I make that appointment when I was 18?  The pain, not feeling good, side-effects of medication have held me back from doing things I would have prefered to be doing.  Good reasons right?  Yeah.  Good reasons. 

It is easy to get roped into the idea that thoughts, feelings and what we tell ourselves about why we are they way we are (life stories) are the causes of behavior.  "I've had a rough week, I should indulge myself with a big meal."  “I had a hard day, so I don't think I"ll go to the gym."   “I'm too tired to call my sister.”  "I don't feel good, I'll just lay on the couch all evening."

But reasons are not causes.  Reasons are not causes.  Think about this.  Our thoughts, feelings and life stories are associated with our behavior, but they are not causal.  Reasons get in the way of Willingness to do the things that we REALLY want to do- the things that are of value to us.  

I can have a rough week AND stay on track with my diet plan.
I can have a hard day AND go the gym.
I can be tired AND call my sister.
I can feel bad AND do something that is important and of meaning to me. 

Chances are I'll even feel better about life if I do the things that matter to me in the face of the struggles life throws up.  Staying on track with my nutrician, fitnees and taking care of my relationships are some of my top values...they could be different for you. 

Am I making sense here?  Following?  How does this square up with your own experience?

Being Willing on Wednesday

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Will power.  Self-control that is especially relevant when it comes to change, breaking habits or starting new ones.  I'm not disciplined enough to...  I have no self-control of...  I have no will power when it come too...  Who knows how many hours have been wiled away daydreaming about all that might be possible if we  were able to access the full extent of will power.

Self-regulation isn't easy that's for sure, but does it come in measured increments?  Degrees?  Percentages?  Is it high or low?  Weak or strong?   Well, if that is the case then what is the matter with us?  We need to buckle down and get it right.... dammit!  More, better, faster, stronger, stricter.

I am writing to take issue with this.

There are days that I don't want to go to work.  I really don't want to go.  I struggle with burnout that comes from working day in and day out with toxic anger, extreme pessimism and hidden agendas.  Once in a while when it gets bad, I catch a glimpse of my thought process.  Is that tiny tickle that a sore throat coming on?  Could that sinus pressure morph into a migraine?   What if I have a flat tire in the morning?  Maybe a pipe will burst or my cat will get sick and I'll have to call in...   

Most days I go to work anyway.  And on the hard days, when it seems overwhelming, I give myself permission not to like it, not to enjoy it.  I put on an outfit that gives me a bit of a lift, pack myself a nourishing lunch and head out the door.  I don't try to trick myself into having a great day.  I don't bribe or threaten myself,  I let go of the struggle, stop feeding the resistance and assume a posture of willingness.

Then, I work hard to show up In The Moment and Be Present for the people who sit across from me.  I am willing to be there.   Slowly and ever so slightly a feeling emerges beginning as a tiny sense of pride and growing into a larger satisfaction for doing something that was hard, that I didn't want to do.  At the end of the day it is nearly always worth it.  Because I love working with people on their lives in such a personal and intimate way.  And once in a while, I know I have helped someone and that is bonus.

So, I propose,  maybe there is no such thing as will power.  Maybe there is simply willingness.   Willingness as a posture, a stance, an attitude.  A cloak we throw over our shoulders each time we face the world that is full of things we might rather avoid.

Let this post be the beginning of Willing Wednesdays!  What might you find yourself doing... if you were willing?