Fear and Bravery

Last Saturdays  ‘long’ training run was 6 miles.  No biggie.  But it’s Oklahoma hot and I don’t have a strong mileage base at this point so it felt as though it might have well have been 18.  As I fought through mile four I started focusing on the light poles along Midland Valley Trail.  Run three, walk one, run three, walk one.

Somewhere along the way I started to think about fear.  Maybe it was the yoga class I took the night before, maybe the crazy week I had,  but I meditated on fear as I ran.  Run three, walk one, run three, walk one.

The yoga instructor said the theme of the class was fear and I thought about the pose that scares me. Plough.  I’m not sure what it is about plough, I do the pose- but I feel afraid.  Like my own body is going to crush me, or snap and break my neck.  Run three, walk one, run three, walk one. 

Then there was my work week in which I had one of the most stressful days of my career.  Once in a while, working in behavioral medicine and with combat Veterans to boot- situations can get very intense and frightening very quickly.  Don’t worry, everyone is safe, but I was really scared.  In a juxtaposition,  I also thought about an active therapy case I have in which a Vietnam Veteran is facing the fears/demons/trauma that have been a monkey on his back for the past 40 years.  He is feeling his feelings of acute fear, sadness, and horror for the first time.    It takes courage to be honest with ourselves about what we are feeling. It takes bravery to feel one’s feelings and allow them to be expressed, push through the pain and fear and come out on the other side.  Run FOUR, walk one, Run Four, walk one.

Sometimes it also takes courage to run 6 miles.

Take my number off your list

Today, twenty minutes into a forty-five minute therapy session, my client's cell phone rang.   He said, "This is an important call, do you mind if I take it?" No biggie, this happens a lot.  My clients other doctors have called, their kids schools, they've been invited for job interviews...etc. etc.  So I say "Of course not, go ahead..." And I turn to my computer screen and try to read an email or two.

As the conversation unfolds, it becomes clear that my client has taken a call from a telemarketer.  It eventually culminates with him saying "Please remove my phone number from your list."  He is disconnected and then before I can make eye contact again, HE CALLS THE NUMBER BACK.  And ensures that they know who he is and that his phone number has been removed from their list.

By this time he has burned away 10 minutes of our session.  I am rather stunned- thinking I should address what just happened, but I don't. I collude with his avoidance.  It is clear to me that he is trying to distract himself from feelings, vulnerability (Great TED talk Here) or facing what he really needs to face to make the changes he has self-identified and move in the direction he wants to his future.  Even in that moment.  But I don't say anything, I'm sort of tired, so I let it go.  Instead,  I jump right back in where we left off.  I feel better when he cries- at least I made him cry, I tell myself.  And then suddenly it is past the hour and I say..."our time is up" and I think to myself  yup, our time is up, you would have had 10 more minutes but no...you had that important phone call...  I have another client waiting.

I think I failed in this session today.  Having the courage to shine the light on what happened in the moment would have been a powerful, salient here and now intervention.  Man.  Doing therapy is hard work.  It takes constant awareness.  Awareness of the self, the other, interactions of the self and other, the past and the present and even the future.  Doing psychotherapy is an art and a science.  Amen.